I would certainly hope NOT to have this kind of experience 4th time round if we were to have another (or through any pregnancy) but this mum's post and story is definitely worth sharing because of her faith and testimony.
Grab some tissues to wipe the tears away and some chocolate to make you feel better afterwards!
"Imagine a love so strong
that saying hello and goodbye in the same day
is worth all the sorrow.”
~Author Unknown~
Benjamin’s Story - Still born November 3rd, 2007
We had been hoping for another baby for quite a while. March 20, 2007 was the day I began to think I was pregnant. By late March I was positive, and called and made an appointment. In the past we had generally waited till after 12 weeks to announce it because of the fear of miscarriage. This time we announced it right away to our families, since we were so excited and had been waiting for so long, and also because we felt assured that I would carry this baby normally as I had the others.
The nausea seemed to last longer this time, well into the 4th month. But we were so happy to finally be having another baby. I had my first doctor’s appointment and ultrasound on April 9th, which confirmed the due date for November 16, 2007. I remember feeling movement for the first time at 13 weeks, which is very early. Many people were telling me they hoped it would be a girl. After all, we already had 3 boys. I had had a feeling, though, even before getting pregnant, that another son would be coming to our family. I liked the idea of having 4 sons. When I had the next ultrasound on July 3rd that revealed we were indeed having a 4th boy, I was so excited! I went to Target and bought a sweet little boy-outfit and wrapped it for DC and the boys to open.
This second ultrasound had also revealed a serious potential problem. The placenta was anterior, positioned near the scar from my three previous C-sections. The doctor warned me that if it might have attached itself there. If so, it was possible I would need a blood transfusion during the birth, and maybe to have my uterus removed as well, in order to preserve my life in case of hemorrhaging. I was worried about the prospect for my health, but grateful that it likely would not affect the baby. Our family joined with us in fasting and prayer that the placenta would move to a safer position.
The summer seemed very long. I often thought that it was like waiting for Christmas when I was a little girl, except that the anticipation was a hundredfold greater. I was so anxious to have my sweet, soft little newborn safely in my arms, and to have the pregnancy over with. Nine months seemed way too long to have to wait to have our baby come. The doctor and I scheduled the birth for November 7, 2008, and we started counting down.
Being visibly pregnant always seems to be a good conversation-starter, but when people discovered I was having not only my 4th child, but a 4th son, conversations got very interesting. I was able to share my testimony many times of the joy my children are to me, and how precious a family is. Several were surprised at how happy I was to be having this new little son.
We talked about names a lot. His middle name would be Robert, for his Grandpa Baker. But we were having a hard time deciding on a first name. I even posted a poll on my blog. The choices were Adam, Paul, Nephi, or Benjamin. Finally we settled on Benjamin, after the prophet-king in the Book of Mormon, whose teachings I have always loved. I also love the Old Testament references to Israel's son Benjamin.
We worked hard to get ready. We sold furniture and bought new furniture to be able to fit 4 little boys into 2 bedrooms. We bought a minivan and sold our old beat-up Taurus. My friend Janice from Tallahassee came for a visit, arriving on October 1st. She and I were like a reverse-tornado, attacking closets with gusto and leaving them tidy and organized. We cleaned up the garage, rearranged furniture, set up the crib, rehung pictures--we had my nest completely ready! I loved feeling Benjamin move as we worked. He would often poke his little foot strongly against one side of my belly, and I would reach down and “tickle” it by scratching against it gently. Each of the boys got to feel his kicks, and Daddy, too. When Exacto and Fluffy got home from school in the afternoons, Benjamin would start moving and kicking excitedly. I knew he loved his brothers already.
On October 17, 2007 I had another ultrasound to determine the position of the placenta. DC got to come, and so did Hummer and Janice. It was wonderful to see Benjamin’s sweet profile. The technician had mentioned that we probably wouldn’t get to see much because of how big he would be, but he was actually quite visible, and she took several pictures because “he was being so photogenic.” :) We were enormously relieved to find that the placenta had moved up out of the danger zone. Everything was set for a normal, healthy birth.
Tuesday night October 30th I suddenly noticed that I hadn’t felt much movement for a while. I sat quietly on the bed, waiting to feel something. DC asked me what was wrong, and I told him. Then I felt Benjamin move, and sighed with relief. I reminded DC of our friend’s sister who had recently lost her baby just days before the scheduled induction. I said, wow, that would be this Friday if it happened to us. How horrible that would be to be burying your baby instead of bringing him home from the hospital! I lay down and felt great relief as the baby kept moving while I fell asleep.
Wednesday morning during breakfast I felt Benjamin hiccupping. Each of the boys jumped up and came and put their hands on my belly to feel it. That was the last time I felt him move. We went on with the day, which kept me very busy with Halloween celebrations at school and at home. By about 8:30pm I was really tired and asked Exacto to make sure the boys all got in bed when the movie was over. I went to sleep and didn’t wake at all the entire night.
Thursday, November 1, 2007. I was so excited to be going to my last doctor’s appointment before the birth. I took a picture of a spectacular autumn tree on the way, and thought about how beautiful things would be as I recuperated at home, nursing my sweet new baby. I called my mom to tell her I was on my way to my LAST appointment, and we joyfully discussed her plans to come. It was so nice that Dad would get to be here, too, this time! We just couldn’t wait!
And then, at the appointment, the doctor could not find a heartbeat for the baby, and wanted an ultrasound right away. The ultrasound confirmed that Benjamin was gone.
To say that we were in shock is a great understatement. It just couldn’t be happening to us. Things like this happen to other people, not us. I don’t know why I felt that I was somehow immune from tragedy, but I did. The doctor was so kind to take a great deal of time with me--and then with DC, too, as he arrived from Conway--listening to us and attempting to comfort us, explaining what needed to happen next. It was determined that he would deliver Benjamin on Saturday. We left for home, in separate cars, and I sobbed the entire way. Telling our boys that this new baby brother they were so excited about had died before they even got to see him was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, although harder things were to follow.
My parents and brother Joseph arrived the next morning (Friday), having driven all night from Arizona to get here as soon as possible. My two sisters, Becky and Mandy, were able to fly in from Utah that afternoon using Mom’s frequent-flyer miles. What a comfort and strength arrived with them! I am so grateful they were all here with us.
It was horrible to be pregnant and know that the baby was dead. I was thankful that at least it would be for only two days, but now that I look back I wish I had enjoyed those last few hours when he was still part of me physically. Saturday morning, November 3, 2007, Mom and DC and I arrived at the hospital and I marched in with courage and peace in my heart. I know that Heavenly Father was carrying me, because although I was terribly sad that I would not be bringing Benjamin home, I actually felt excited still at the prospect of very soon getting to hold him and see what he looked like.
The surgery went very well. It was terribly silent when they pulled him from me. But as I first saw him I was filled with joy. He was so perfect and beautiful! They placed him near my head and I leaned my cheek against his. It was discovered that there were two very tight knots in the umbilical cord. The doctor said that he must have been very active when he was smaller and the knot tangled, then tightened as he grew.
We were blessed to have an angel nurse assigned to us for the entire day. She went with us back to the room and washed our sweet baby as we looked on. She weighed and measured him: 7 pounds, 3 ounces, and 20 inches long. Then she dressed him in a cap and a beautiful hand-smocked infant gown that had been made by a church women’s group. She made lots of his footprints, and cut a lock of hair for us to keep. I loved holding him. Whenever I was holding him I felt completely at peace. It amazes me to see how happy I look in some of the pictures.
My dad brought the boys up to the hospital to see their new brother. Exacto refused to see him, so the nurse helped him make a beautiful bead bracelet for him, and Benjamin wore it all day. Exacto later mentioned (actually as soon as the casket was placed in the ground) that he wished he had seen him.
After a few hours of what felt like heaven, the nurse gently explained to us that it was time to start talking about arrangements. She made all of the phonecalls for us to help us decide where to send his precious body and where to have him buried.
We ended up spending about 7 hours with our baby Benjamin in mortality. Saying goodbye, kissing his cheek one last time, and giving him to the nurse to take away was absolutely the most difficult thing I have ever done. Again, I know the Lord carried me during that time, or I never could have done it. Dad came in with roses shortly afterward, and I felt not only his great love but also Father in Heaven’s infinite love for me.
Physically I recovered so quickly it was a miracle. I went home two days later, holding the bouquet of roses on my lap so that my arms wouldn’t feel quite so empty. For the next couple of weeks we were continuously surrounded by love and support. Our ward family was amazing, as were so many friends, who brought in meals, sent cards, and helped in countless ways. We have been truly blessed to pass through this experience encircled by angels.
And now it is time to learn to live without this precious son. Our family was sealed in the Mesa Arizona Temple, and though it is so hard to wait right now, someday we will be together forever. My Savior, Jesus Christ, made this possible. He is also my true Friend and Comforter, who knows completely the depth of the pain I feel, and can heal me. He is the only One who can bring our Benjamin back to us, and I will trust Him and serve Him faithfully until that joyful day when I again hold my sweet baby.We would love to have you sign Benjamin's guestbook
View all blog entries about Benjamin.
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2 comments:
Hmmm, that was some story. Very sad, but sad in a very positive way. What an amazing Mother! Great family, good find Loretta. x
That's awesome the way she used photoshop to put the baby in the blanket to complete the family picture. What a great idea. Very clever.
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